Defined by the Vision of the Future, Not the Memories of the Past

✨ Defined by the Vision of the Future, Not the Memories of the Past ✨

Dear reader,

Welcome to the series, “Breaking the Habit of Being Myself.” This is the beginning of my journey to redefine who I am—not by the weight of my past, but by the vision of a brighter, more intentional future. Over the next 30 days, I’ll immerse myself in the teachings of Dr. Joe Dispenza. Today is Day One. I’m starting right here, right now—not perfect, not even close to having my life fully together, but deeply committed to giving this a real, honest try.

Let’s get real. I’ve been here before. I’ve skimmed through Dispenza’s books, only to abandon them halfway. I’ve dabbled in his meditations, but his voice often grated on me, disrupting the comfort of my all-too-familiar identity. I half-assed the work, failed to make any real progress, and then tucked those failed attempts away as yet another memory of why change felt so unattainable.

But isn’t that life? It’s not about never falling—it’s about how we rise each time we do.

✨ Why Now? ✨

Yesterday was my wake-up call—though it didn’t start that way.

I overslept, knocked out by an overestimated dose of a sleep aid, waking up a groggy mess after 12 hours of oblivion. Instead of feeling grateful for the rest—especially since I was on my period and needed it—I spiraled. I woke up feeling crushed, unworthy, and guilty. Guilty for what, exactly? For resting? For daring to prioritize myself and my health? It didn’t make sense, but the shame was overwhelming.

My mind raced. I told myself I wasn’t a good worker. I wasn’t productive. I wasn’t creating value. I convinced myself that taking care of my body was a selfish betrayal of the world outside my door.

Then came the harder question: What value would I have brought if I’d forced myself to work through the pain and fog? Would it have been meaningful? Or would it have been a hollow performance to prove my worth by someone else’s standards?

The answer was obvious.

I thought about a client of mine—a brilliant woman with two Master’s degrees and a Ph.D., who spends her days resizing fonts on PowerPoint slides in a government job. Is this what success looks like? Is this the life I want for myself?

No.

✨ The Crossroads of Change ✨

Life has shifted for me in ways I’m still catching up to. I recently left a high-pressure corporate job to embrace the life of an entrepreneur—and not just any entrepreneur, but a swing trader. My reality now is working an hour or so a week, placing trades, and letting them unfold. I’ve realized my dream of financial freedom, yet no one prepared me for the emotional aftermath.

How do you adjust to living your dream life when your mind is stuck in survival mode? How do you let go of the compulsion to prove your worthiness?

This shift has made me confront something uncomfortable: We don’t fear failure nearly as much as we fear our own greatness. We’ve been conditioned to cling to fear—of life, of the future, of the unknown. Breaking free from this cycle means questioning everything, especially the parts of yourself you’ve grown used to.

What if I don’t like who I am right now? What if I don’t like the emotions I feel every day? What if I’ve built habits that aren’t causes, but consequences—justifications for the guilt, shame, and unworthiness I’m addicted to?

✨ The Lightbulb Moment ✨

A few days ago, I listened (for what must be the hundredth time) to Dr. Joe Dispenza on Steven Bartlett’s podcast. This time, I heard something new. Steven mentioned his midnight sugar cravings, and Dr. Joe posed a question: What if you’re not addicted to sugar, but to the guilt that comes afterward?

That hit me.

What if I’m not addicted to “not being enough”? What if I’m addicted to the feelings of unworthiness that have been my constant companions for decades?

Here I am—now financially secure and living a life of freedom in my 40s—still desperately trying to “make it.” I’ve already made it, haven’t I? I’m living my dream life: minimal work, financial security, and the freedom to pursue my passions. Yet I spend my days in fear—fear of losing it all, fear of not being enough, fear rooted in childhood as a refugee, when every meal and moment of security felt uncertain.

Inside, I’m still that scared little girl, clinging to the memories of lack and survival. Even now, I’m haunted by the belief that I have to justify my existence.

✨ The Journey Continues ✨

This realization marks the start of something new. I’m choosing to break the cycle—to stop living paycheck to paycheck in my mind and start creating a future guided by intention and possibility.

I invite you to follow along, or even join me if this resonates. Over the next 30 days, I’ll be doing Joe Dispenza’s Daily Morning and Evening Meditations and sharing my progress every step of the way.

If you want to see how this journey unfolds in real-time, I’ll be documenting it daily on my TikTok account. It’s where I’ll share my experiences, insights, and struggles, raw and unfiltered.

This isn’t about perfection; it’s about presence. The first step is the hardest, but we don’t have to take it alone.

Let’s see where this road leads—together.